Nearly the last day of 2017.
My motto for 2017 was BE CONNECTED, BE CREATIVE, BE KIND, and BE YOU
The opposite happened. I feel disconnected and a bit empty. I don't feel that i'm kind - except that I haven't been unkind. And the toughest one of all...BE YOU. Who is that? I still don't know. For all these years I can't figure it out. I feel I'm supposed to know and I just don't.
I always feel on the verge - but that's an old feeling that I can no longer get excited about.
As I've said many times over the years - at least I'm still trying.
Well...what a sad start to what should be an optimistic time - the arbitrary time of the year we choose to RENEW and REFRESH!
I'll go for it.
2017 was a tough year.
LJB died
Trump became President (and everything that entails - which is all crap as far as I can tell)
The most difficult part of 2017 was my response to it. Although I said yes to many invitations, and felt happy and grateful all year, I also became even more of a hermit. My safe space is not just my hometown, or my apartment complex...or even my condo. It's my car and my bedroom.
There are friends and family I feel relaxed around.
I really am so grateful for what I have.
I want very much to return my good fortune by giving good effort at work, being a supportive and loving friend and family member, and getting involved in the world.
I want to care about creating an environment for myself that feels supportive and comfortable.
I'm getting older, but on the scale of old people - I'm quite young. Still middle-aged.
Some people die at my age - that's reality. For now, though, I feel I have time to pull things together for myself and make a contribution.
Eventually I'll have the answers I've been looking for and I'll wonder why it took me so long.
The thing I DON'T want is to be derailed another year.
It seems there's always something that throws me off and I don't have the will, energy, or know-how to stay on track.
This year it was Donald J Trump and his sycophants.
What an ass he is. I don't know how to deal with him.
My discomfort makes him and people who support him laugh with cruelty and disrespect and mockery.
They call us "snowflakes". They're bullies. Donald J Trump is a bully. He and his kind like to push people's buttons for their own amusement. Many of them are Internet trolls; they derive joy from laughing at other's discomfort.
They're a mean, nasty bunch of people.
And they're in power.
Not only are they in power, but they are the slippery slope. People start figuring out the way to get ahead in the world is to be the way Donald J Trump is. I worry this will be the way of our world in ten or twenty years and I'll have NO safe space!
I don't think it's true because I know there are others like me and hopefully we'll find each other and hold on for dear life!
Yikes.
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