Something kicked into gear for me since my birthday.
I've discovered:
I sometimes have a victim mentality - In my head I say to myself "If this hadn't happened and that hadn't happened, I wouldn't have done that." In that way I put the blame on other people and became a victim of other people's actions. I've been listening to myself say those things and worked hard at taking responsibility for what I do, no matter what action led me to that place. I don't have trouble saying I'm sorry or recognizing I could have done better, but there always seems to be a reason I didn't do better, and it's other people. Changing the way I think about things gives me the power to be who I know I can be. It's a hard habit to break so I can't say I've done it always, but hearing myself say those things to myself has been a huge help.
I have a sense of entitlement - In my head I say to myself "I shouldn't have to do this." I have always thought of myself as being somehow above some things. Not all things. I'm happy to do menial tasks quite often. It's some work at some times. Or, not even work related - "I shouldn't have to wait around for this." Again, I've gotten better at hearing myself say these things so I can respond to myself "Why not?" What have I done to earn relief or respect in that area?
There are two things about that: 1) really, nobody should be above anything so I don't like that I think that way just in general. 2) I've been noticing in my life that I don't do anything that is of value to anyone or the world. I don't devise new things, I don't work at a charity, I don't teach people anything, I don't have children, I'm not nice to old people. Just in general, I don't think I benefit the world that much. I'm not saying I won't, but I realize I don't. So - of course I haven't earned the right to be entitled.
I'm lazy - I've talked about this before at other end of year reviews. I take the easy way out. A lot. It's easier to walk away than try to balance to zero. It's easier to walk away than practice. It's easier to play games on my iPad than read a book. It's easier to watch a movie than take a walk. Work wise, I think it's more important than ever that I take the extra step toward excellence (which comes into play with my theme for the year - more on that later).
Two big things I did in the last six months:
I found the names of my natural parents. - I've been dilly dallying about this for years and years and years and years. I wasn't sure how I felt about finding out and didn't have a way to find out that didn't involve upsetting the apple cart. I wasn't sure I wanted to upset the apple cart so I kept my mouth shut and just wondered. Finally, the state of Washington allowed adoptees to get a copy of their original birth certificate. So, I did. And then, with the birth mother's name and some internet searching, I found the married name of the woman I believe to be my natural mother. I have a picture of my natural maternal grandparents and the grandma shares a resemblance. But, I share pretty much zero resemblance to the natural mother. She's been married for years and has a son and a daughter and about 5 grandchildren. I spy on her through Facebook.
My natural father is named in the legal documents that the lawyer's office still had. I'm not sure I share much resemblance to him either. And I don't know as much about him - he doesn't have a family member that's active on Facebook (which is how I can get glimpses of my natural mother)
In any event, those questions are answered.
I haven't felt a need to meet them either. I don't know why. Maybe just knowing who they are and that they seem pretty normal has satisfied me. I secretly hoped there was some famous or fascinating person in my natural family. Now that I know there isn't I feel content to let things be.
I don't know enough about the circumstances of my conception and I can't risk that it was something horrible for the natural mother. I'd hate to upset her when she has a good and content life as it is.
I'd be more inclined to reach out to the natural father, and yet - even there - to what end?
There are a lot of people in the world who have no idea who their natural parents are and no way to find out.
I'm lucky I could at least get a glimpse of them.
I bought a condominium - that's a big one because it only JUST happened and most of my savings will be gone. I've always been afraid to be this committed to a mortgage. I liked having my freedom. But, at my last lease renewal it looked like they want to raise the rent quite a bit which would mean it's just as expensive to buy as it is to rent. So far I'm not getting as anxious as I thought I might considering that time I was going to buy a townhouse in MFJ's condo complex in Beaverton. That time I got so sick to my stomach right after putting an offer in that I had to call it off immediately.
This is a big deal because I'm committing to something, but also because it means I've given up on the idea of love. Huh? Yeah. I had a thought at some point this year where I realized part of why I didn't want to settle down and I always feel like I'm temporary is because I was always hoping I'd meet someone and we'd start living life together. I didn't want to be tied down to anything so it would be easier to comingle our lives when the time came. I know - I could have always sold a home if I found someone to be with. But, that's not how my deep subconscious was thinking about it.
Since my breakup with JLB - maybe three years now? - that really shattered me. Not that I think he was the one, but because I tried and it still didn't work. I don't think I try in the best way but that's a story for another time. The point is, I realized I don't want to try anymore. And given that, I have no reason not to settle down. So I will. (I think the part about not finding love has been pretty heartbreaking for me so maybe I won't be done forever, but I'm a slow moving turtle so it takes me a lot of time. Maybe too much time. I'll never have a sexy romance, but maybe I can have a loving companion.)
In conclusion:
In many ways 2014 was monumental. I'm glad I moved forward on a couple things. Since my birthday I've had a lot of clarity and I've tried hard to take the next step.
My boss is the one who mentioned the victim thing to me. She talked about her own spiritual journey and mentioned victim vs master is a concept she's working on. When I said something that sounded like victim mentality to her, she pointed it out and the idea clicked into place. I'm not a victim in the boohoo woe is me way, which is how I previously thought of 'victims'. I'm a victim when my excuses for not being my best self are that other people didn't do or say this, that, or the other thing. Understanding shifted the way I look at things. A paradigm shift. That was powerful.
And being able to hear myself talk to me is another powerful shift. Eckhart Tolle talks about being The Observer of our own thoughts. I've done better with that, which gave me clues about how I can do better. It's mostly habit and negative self talk. That's all!
On to 2015 -
Take the next step - physically, mentally, and spiritually.
The condominium I purchased is a good walking condo - near shopping and a park. I've gained a lot of weight in the last couple years. In 2015 I'd like to get up and take a walk more often. Take the next step.
Our company is heading in a new direction and I want to be part of it. To do that, I need to take the next step toward excellence. Don't stop when it's OKAY work, take the next step and make it EXCELLENT work.
It's important for me to find my place in the world. This year, I'd like to take the next step in my spiritual development. That might mean reading more books, giving myself time to meditate. Take the next step and really quiet my mind. Practice. Take the next step and practice stillness.
***
The world is difficult right now. There is war and destruction and murder and hatred and fear. It's heartbreaking. It's overwhelming. I know there are pockets of love and peace and kindness and joy out there. I know people who are loving. I hear about people who are peaceful. Discoveries continue being made. Life is still happening all around us.
The world is amazing and wonderful and exciting and beautiful. For this year, I wish everyone will get a glimpse of Love for themselves and in that way the light won't ever die out.
This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine!
It's one way I can be of value to the planet.
