Confession: I used a stranger's full name from the obituary as the starting point for a rambling commentary on death in my original blog.
Three month's later, a friend or family member googled the person's name and found my blog.
My respect and admiration for the deceased was hidden at the end of the post; just after several paragraphs where I struggle to articulate what I think are the absurdities of obituaries and our ideas of death. The tone of the entire post was questioning and blunt.
To a friend or family member of the deceased, it would have seemed insensitive.
I see that now.
I didn't when I originally wrote the post.
The friend or family member left a comment on the blog.
She (I imgaine it was a 'she') let me know I was insensitive.
I was mortified. I never meant to hurt anyone. I never meant that anyone would see my blog. I didn't understand that people will see my blog.
I'm not a person who does well at learning from my mistakes. I still make most of the same mistakes I've always made. Often, I don't accurately recall the circumstances of the mistake, I don't learn from it, and I continue to struggle with guilt and shame.
In two days I wore myself out from guilt and shame, and wanting to hide under a rock.
While moping, I realized I want to write. I want to write on a blog. I want to get better at writing on a blog.
To do that, I'll have to pick myself up and learn from my mistake.
It turns out this mistake really does have some lessons I understand and can apply to my next attempt.
This is what I learned:
1. Don't use people's real name.
2. Death is a prickly topic.
3. People do see the blog - even if they got here by accident and they're only on the blog for an average of seven seconds.
4. I'm not getting better at writing by pretending the blog is for stream of consciousness writing. I don't write well enough for my consciousness to be readable. If I'm writing down every undeveloped thought and theory it could lead to misinterpretation and anger. Its irresponsible to use a public forum to develop ideas.
As I begin this new effort, I want to be very clear about why I want to write on a blog.
1. I want to send energy into the universe that was created by me. I want my voice to be part of the national (and international) conversation that could change everything.
2. I'd like to be a better writer. I'm inspired by essays that show me a new perspective on an old issue, or discover a new layer of truth inside the story, or see details in big pictures that give a personal story universal meaning, or write with a style that is both conversational and literate. I aspire to this level, but honestly don't expect to attain it. In the practice, though, my creativity will break free and I'll learn how to be better than today. I hope.
This post is my commencement speech. I've graduated.
In the old blog I was sprawling and out of control. I had unformed and unruly ideas. I didn't understand my words would be available to anyone and, no matter how hard I tried to be neutral or positive, my words could have a negative impact.
By starting this new blog I'm letting myself off the hook for the mistake.
I understand what happened, why it happened, and how I reacted (in order: mortified, panicked, defensive, angry, obsessive, rational/factual, apprehensively peaceful [because Google still has the cached version available in their database]).
I'm learning specific lessons from the experience that will help me do better in the next venture.
I discovered that I take criticism (even valid and not hateful criticism) very hard and to write in a public forum I'll need a thicker skin.
Even with the risk of feeling shame and guilt for unintentionally writing an insensitive, incorrect, or offensive remark, I want to try. I don't know how I'll react. I want to know.
I appreciate the opportunity to try again at the next level.
