Fourteenth Day

When I was in 4th grade my friend RA and I signed up to be in the play "Rip Van Winkle" at the Marymoor Park Theater.

***

Work,
Visit John in the evening.

That is all.

As time goes by and the opportunity to have a conversation with John has become more remote, I find myself wanting to say out loud to him all the ways I'm a better person because of him.  I learned to be more patient, how important it is to listen, how easy it is to be kind, and that reaching out to others is the best way to maintain a connection.
He's experiencing this time in his life with a lot of patience and love and humor.  He's an easy person to be with even while his body is dying.
The greatest gift he gave to me is acceptance.
I have told him all these things over the years, so I shouldn't worry that he doesn't know.
As James Taylor said...I always thought that I'd see you again.

Thirteenth Day

JLB at Medina Park July 6, 2010

Another day, another dollar. 

I finished doing the ADP processing of our W2's.  Yay!  I approved them for mailing to the emps this morning.  Eek!  I'm afraid.  But, I compared the two box total reports and it all matched except the one thing we wanted to change.  So...I hope all is well.

Next milestone is Worker's Comp.  The WA quarterly is due at the end of the month. 

In the meantime...all kinds of other doo dads need to get done as well.

Then, I went to JLB's house immediately after work.  5 - 10 pm or so.

It was a good visit.  H and I talked before J and L got to the house for a quick visit.  Then, S stopped by.  

JLB is still sleeping quite a bit, and when he's awake he moves very little.  But - he stays engaged in the conversation around him and inserts a typical JLB quip, which is fun.

He doesn't complain or talk about whether he's in discomfort. He continues to be kind and generous.

That's all for now.  I'm composing an e-mail to 'the gang' of JLB friends. Earlier I was trying to find the correct words.  I think I just wrote it above.  So I'll get that out.

Twelfth Day

From my apartment in Oregon in December 2008, in honor of Portland's snow storm this year.  Apparently this year ranks #5 on the list of all time most snowfall in Portland.  None of the years I was in Portland (1997 - 2010) were on the list.

As I noted yesterday, I watched Donald Trump's first "News Conference" yesterday morning.  It was more like a performance, or a high school group presentation.  Strange.

I spent yesterday evening at LJB's house. Things have rapidly changed since I last saw him - January 1. I've spoken to him a couple times on the phone in the last week and a half, but I didn't realize how things had changed.

The world has shifted.

I will always appreciate that LJB accepted me with no reservations and reminded me to REACH OUT.  He's a kind and loving man.

Eleventh Day

From the middle of July 2003 at Washington Square Park in Portland, Oregon

I'm not having a great week.

I'm trying to eat better.

I'm having difficulty getting a refreshing night sleep.

I didn't read ANYTHING in my book last night.

My eyes are tired.

I DID complete the Purple and 'Black' coins in Super Mario Run World 2-3.

I'm not motivated to work very hard - I want a vacation

I am a big lump.  

I almost forgot to write my blog post for today.

I watched Obama's Farewell Address last night.

I watched Donald Trump's "Press Conference" this morning.

Oye.

Tenth Day

A Great Blue Heron enjoys the view near Golden Gardens Park in Ballard

Greg Gilbert/The Seattle Times

There's lots of stormy weather across the US in the last few days - wind, rain, snow, ice.  Many Portlanders were ice bound last weekend.  

It's easy to forget we're tiny little things living on a rock hurtling through the vast universe. 

***

I only read a couple PAGES in my book last night.  The night got away from me and I don't even know how.  I did NOTHING that I can think of.  Grrrr. 

Now that I think about it, I watched You Tube videos, Twitter feeds, and maybe one DVR show.  I also finished the Super Mario Run world 2-2 black coin level.

Oh - I hand washed my dishes. Yay!  

I ate a bagel and some Daiya cream cheese, I finished off my Vegan Cornbread Stuffing, I ate some of my big salad.  And the usual as well - crackers and microwave french fries. Sigh.

***

I guess that's all I have to say today.  Boo.

***

UPDATE from later in the day:
I might forget this tomorrow morning.

I thought I'd check out Northwest Cable News this morning to see about Portland's weather situation. Turns out NWCN ceased operations January 6, 2017!!!  Too bad.  Apparently, it's gotten expensive to maintain a regional 24 hour news broadcast when many people - especially in the Northwest, they said - are getting their news digitally.
Looking into that, led me to remember KOMO TV's Northwest Afternoon and Cindi Rinehart's Scope on the Soaps - which is unrelated to NWCN; Dana Middleton is the link.
I used to watch Cindi Rinehart's part of the show. She was fun and quirky and I watched 95% of the ABC Soap Operas (All My Children, One Life to Live, General Hospital - and Ryan's Hope, when it was on).
Thinking back on those days - when I watched soap operas - makes me feel happy.  I don't know why. The Scope on the Soaps started in 1984 when I was working full time at Safeco, so how I started watching I don't know.  Maybe I started watching when I was off work between Safeco and the Radiology place? And then VCR's maybe?  I stopped watching soap operas at some point because I was working and it wasn't as much fun to watch the soaps on VCR.  I might have started up again (or did I never stop?) in the late 90's before starting at Timberline.  Then, I quit for good until the last year or so of AMC and OLTL fairly recently
Anyway - I remember that show and those times fondly and with some comfort.

Ninth Day

I didn't watch the Golden Globes last night.

According to the podcast Hollywood and Levine only 57 people vote on the award - and they're actors from other countries who freelance as writers to supplement their waiter/waitress job while they wait for their big break. Ken Levine said the award can be bought.  He said the only reason big stars go to the award show is because they get free food and alcohol, and because it's nationally televised.  If that's the case, its embarrassing to watch people accept awards and give speeches that indicate the award means a lot to them.

Even if everything Ken Levine says is just for the joke of it - which is likely - I still don't care about the awards show, so I didn't watch.  That's not to say I've never watched awards shows I don't care about. Sometimes I'm in the mood to see big deal stars make a big deal out of each other.  Last night I wasn't.  

UPDATE:  Kudos to Meryl Streep for using the stage to speak out against ... a nameless person! :)

***

I started a new book last night.  The Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood. 

I visited my Mom yesterday.

***

When I was in sixth grade, our teacher Mr. Wells, started one of our after recess periods with a game. He described to us a situation that seemed outlandish and we had to ask yes or no questions to figure out what the story was.  I have no recollection of the stories he told - I think we did it a couple times - but what I've never forgotten all these years later is that it was fun and I feel accomplished and interested when I think about it. I've heard of that sort of thing done as an exercise in other classes or scenarios and I find it interesting. It's a puzzle, it's a collaboration, it's funny, and it makes everyone think outside the box.  

***

Hearings for Donald Trump's cabinet begin this week.  In fact the week is jam packed with them along with Donald Trump's first press conference in the last six months on Wednesday.  There are some very unsavory characters he wants to see in his cabinet, so why not distract everyone from the confirmation hearings with a news conference?

Donald Trump hasn't done a damn thing yet as President, but he's been an ass already.  See his Twitter feed for details.

He acts like a 7 year old spoiled brat. It's quite unbelievable. 

Eighth Day

Last night I finished reading "Little Bee" by Chris Cleave

As I've noted in previous posts I was reading it one chapter per day; a relaxing pace.  

Last night it was a really quick chapter and I saw how close to the end I was, so I finished.

What I liked about the book:  

• This is the story of Little Bee. It's a name she took to protect her real identity. It fit her and it was easy to hear in my mind.
• Little Bee has a very distinct and interesting point of view in the first chapters. It was written well and was easy to understand and believe.
• The story is about Little Bee as a refugee - I haven't read many books about that so this was a fresh story for me.
• An interesting personal characteristic of Little Bee is that wherever Little Bee was, she would look for how she would kill herself if the men came. I can imagine that might be a way to cope after surviving a tragedy.

***

I spent a nice morning checking out my money situation, surfing the internet...the usual.  

I sent a couple e-mails about the Windsor House pool.  Who knows what I'll get myself into because of that.

I went to Office Depot to pick up job ticket jackets to organize my card stock per Jennifer McGuire.

I went to Whole Foods and QFC to buy food - I was hungry and bought things I suspect I'll never eat.

I came home to organize my card stock while listening to KUOW.

I talked to Mom.

I read the book and I went to bed.

It was a nice, peaceful, relaxing day.  I want more of those.   

***

Listening to KUOW yesterday I was reminded how much I enjoy the show DAY 6 with host Brent Bambury.  He asks great questions.

In yesterday's show they talked about Google - by the end of 2017 the company will be entirely powered by renewable energy.  Excellent. I want to be involved in that kind of change.

Seventh Day

This song is joy and love to me, because we're sharing good wishes to all the people in the world.

I even like the part that says 'with blessings from above' because the God of good Christians (I think this is a Christian band) is LOVE, not judgment. It brings a tear to my eye to think of that God sharing blessings on all of us.

I think the religious people of the world with their rules and dogma have gotten it all wrong.
And maybe, people who reject religion and lost God in the process have gotten it wrong as well.
Religion bad - GOD/LOVE good.

This song is God's Love.

(I hope I don't discover someday that the people in this band are judgmental Christians. That would make me sad.)


Two items of good news yesterday:
1) I got through to LJB, but only for a short conversation.
2) W2s look good.
I've spent a lot of work hours looking at reports for W2s - making sure they're correct.  On Friday, I decided they're good - with one small exception I can deal with on Monday.
That's a HUGE relief.  Its our first year on this software and I don't feel like I know enough about our software OR how ADP works.

I read another chapter in my book.
I completed World 2-2 Purple coins on Super Mario Run.

So - a good day all in all, right :)

Let the new day begin!!!

Sixth Day

I took this picture outside my apartment in Oregon 13 years and 1 day ago;January 7, 2004.

Today its really cold (at noon it's 34 degrees). Relative to other parts of the country, this is just a regular winter day, maybe.  We've had a cold snap this week that's starting to warm up.  Luckily, it was dry and sunny.
I've been so busy with Quarterly reporting and W2 processing that I haven't noticed the outside too much.

I also haven't visited my friend LJB either, which I feel bad about.  I don't know how to accommodate every priority.

I read another chapter in my book last night.

I almost forgot to write in this blog today.

I haven't mentioned it, but I also spend some time every day - anywhere from 10 minutes to 2 hours - playing Super Mario Run on my iPad.  I say the F word a lot because I have terrible hand eye coordination. Or should I say hand brain coordination?  I don't react very quickly to what I see.  Even if I know what's coming and what I'm attempting to do, I can't make my finger do it without repeating it over and over and over and over and over and over again.  I don't exaggerate.  It takes me a LOT of tries for some of these tasks. I mean it takes me maybe 100 times or so.  I'm just guessing, but I wouldn't be surprised.  It could be more.
So far I've gone through each world just to finish it.  Now, I'm going through to get the pink, purple, and black coins.  I'm currently on World 2-2 purple coins.

Yesterday I mentioned Congress is beginning the process to repeal Obamacare. House Majority Leader Paul Ryan has confirmed that in the legislation that will repeal Obamacare they'll defund Planned Parenthood.
This effort started with the religious right who object to Federal funding of abortions. Planned Parenthood does not currently get any money for abortion services.  All the money Planned Parenthood gets from the federal government is a reimbursement for regular Health Care services it provides, similar to other health care providers.  But, since Planned Parenthood does perform abortions, the religious right wants them put out of business.
This infuriates me.
It makes me see red.
I don't even know how to react to it.
This is a secular country and we shouldn't be making policy based on religious ideas of when life begins and ends.
Period.
If we made laws the religious people didn't like, they'd start claiming that we're taking away their freedom of religion.  As it is they say it anyway.
I don't understand why they don't see their own hypocrisy.
The bottom line is we don't KNOW when "LIFE" begins.  It's a religious conclusion.
Maybe we need to define "LIFE" before we start making laws about it.

Fifth Day

(image from the internet)

(Note: The company I linked that image to referenced Hermann Hesse.  According to Wikipedia, he was a novelist, poet, and painter who explored an individual's search for authenticity, self-knowledge, and spirituality.  That matches up with my motto for the year, perfectly!)

Quiet day yesterday.  I didn't go anywhere or do anything special other than work.

I read chapter five of my book!

***

The beginning of the end of Obamacare has started in Congress.  This is very frustrating because the main reason Obamacare didn't live up to its promise is because Republicans were always fighting it.  In many states, the Republican governor would not support the medicaid increase.  People didn't like the mandate, but they don't realize the only reason they get to have pre-existing conditions covered and to keep their kids on their policies until 26 is because everyone would be paying into the system.  When you take out one part of the plan it won't work.
That's what Republicans are going to find out.  They keep talking about Repealing and Replacing Obamacare.  When they're asked what the replacement is they just nod assuringly and say 'we have a plan'.  They don't share it, though.  People keep talking about wanting the pre-existing condition rule and the adults under 26 rule to remain.
Well, ya gotta pay for it some way.  Insurance companies don't care about health - they care about making money.
It makes me kinda furious.

***

Today, I'd like to make note of a Humans of New York post.  HONY (as it's called) is a favorite website of mine. I'm constantly inspired by the voices of regular people - sometimes from around the world.  Brandon Stanton is the person behind it.

Here is yesterday's post...

“I thought when I came to New York it was going to be this huge change of scenery and that I could be whoever I want to be. I thought there’d always be a plan, or an event, and that I’d never feel alone, and that I’d be very ‘fabulous’ — for lack of a better word. ‘Carrie Bradshaw-esque,’ so to speak. But in reality, I still spend a lot of time alone. I think it’s because I’m afraid of being a burden on those around me. What if I’m not fun enough? What if the parts of me that are sad and complaining outweigh the parts of me that are good? Will I be wasting other people’s time? And when I do spend time with other people, I’m afraid to demand a certain level of kindness and respect. Because maybe that will make me even more of a burden. So I don’t reach out to other people very much. I spend a lot of time alone. But then I still get mad when I look on Snapchat and see people hanging out without me. But I’m trying to change my thinking. I’m not allowed to feel left out if I’m not making an effort. I’m not the protagonist of reality. I can’t expect good relationships to happen just because I exist.”

I feel this person's thoughts.  These could be my words.  Even her way of trying to change is what I think.  Amazing.  I wasn't a Carrie Bradshaw in New York person, but I had the idea that I'd easily fall into connections and fun groups without forcing it.  It would be natural and organic.  I was wrong.  That's what happens on TV, not real life.

Fourth Day

I think this song (by REM) is about the scary end of the world and the bad stuff that will precede the end of the world.  I'm not sure if that's true, but that's what I get out of my read of the lyrics.

But, maybe we should be thinking this way all the time.  When we think we KNOW the world, then we get caught up in expectations and disappointment.  We need to get rid of the idea that everything is going to be the same today and tomorrow and the next day. It messes with our heads.

It's scary and disorienting to think things change all the time - but they do.  Sometimes in a flash.

The rest of this lyric is ...and I feel fine.

It's the End of the World as We Know It, And I Feel Fine.
Taking away all the scary stuff - I'll think of this as a way to live in the present moment and a reminder that I can choose how I feel about change and not having control over everything.

It might be the end of the world as I know it - but it's not the end of all that is. Ever.
It might be the end of the world as I know it - but it's never the end of all that is.
It might be the end of the world as I know it - but it's not the end of what the Universe knows.
And I feel fine - because I can't control it anyway.

UNLESS - as humans we really DO control things.  Hmmm...
Maybe that's the exhortation...I CAN control things. When we stand together, we are strong and we can make change. Our spirit molds the future.
Which goes along with my motto for 2017, which is the Universal Rules:
BE CONNECTED, BE CREATIVE, BE KIND, and BE YOU
When we are connected together we can be strong, and we can CREATE the universe we want to live in.

Okay - so that's this day's meditation moment...:)

The bottom line is...I FEEL FINE.

***

I read chapter four of my book last night.  I'm almost halfway through.
I'm fighting the urge to jump ahead, or look on Wikipedia to see what happened.
That's why I haven't been reading or watching movies as much in recent years - I've lost my patience. I just want to know what happens. Quickly.
But, I see value in reading or even watching movies that I'd like to cultivate again.
Focus is not a strength of mine.  I hope reading will remind me of the joys of diving deep rather than the hustle and bustle of the Internet where everything is available in a flash and it's practically encouraged that I DON'T focus - keep moving onto the next thing.  Grrr.  Too much.

***

I noted in yesterday's blog that the House decided to get rid of the independent ethics committee.
Since then, people were kinda outraged.  Even Donald Trump weighed in.  He doesn't think the idea is wrong, he just thought the timing was lousy.  Which, I have to say, was my take as well.  I don't KNOW if there is valid reason to get rid of it without thinking about it more - but the LOOK of it was pretty bad.

***

Hey - I just noticed something...

I don't already have 1000 posts (as I noted in an earlier blog post)!!!!!  I have a bunch of DRAFTS that I'll never publish.  Darn.  Ah well.

***

By the way - I've been writing these posts in the morning; this is the morning of the fourth day.  It's confusing me. I'm writing about Day Three and calling it Day Four.

Third Day

Well, that was a nice "No Work Monday"! I got a few housekeeping chores done on my computer and walked over to the mall. It was chilly, but not too bad yet. It's expected to be quite cold this week. I have the heat up to about 76 degrees already so bundling up is the next step.  Last month's electric bill was nearly twice what I expect in the winter.  Yikes!  I live over an open air garage so I think it more difficult to heat in winter. It probably mitigates the heat in summer, though.

I read another chapter in my book.  Yay!

I want to make note of a wonderful story I heard on "On The Media".  The whole show was about Shakespeare and I missed almost all of it. But, on the way home from LJB's the other day I heard part of a segment called "Tragedy for 35 Years: Shakespearean Comedy in Kabul".  I was struck by how much Shakespeare meant to Qais Akbar Omar, the person being interviewed.  He saw a connection between Shakespeare and Afghanistan. I thought about how many people have gotten so much from Shakespeare. I've never read a Shakespeare play. I saw the movie version of Romeo and Juliet. I saw the movie version of Taming of the Shrew. I may have seen one other.  I wasn't overly moved, but I wonder if I should read some Shakespeare this year?

The first thing the new US House of Representatives did (they'll be officially sworn in this morning, but they got started last night) with no notice, discussion, or debate was to move the independent ethics commission under the House Ethics Committee.  The commission was setup in 2008 because there were so many scandals. Many house members thought the independent commission was too aggressive so now they moved it under their purview.  For what it's worth Paul Ryan was against the change.
It seems kinda fishy and self-serving to me. That's the FIRST thing you think you should do? THAT'S your priority?

It's the beginning of a wild ride..."Republicans" control the House, the Senate, and the White House.
Not only that, there's a "conservative" majority on the Supreme Court.
I use quotes around 'Republicans' and 'conservative' because those labels don't seem to apply anymore.

Second Day

Darn - I fell asleep before midnight and missed standing next to the tree!!!

Since I've recently realized the 'rules' we all agreed to live by are changing (Thanks Donald Trump!), I would do best to live by the rules of the universe.  They came to me fairly quickly:

Be Connected, Be Creative, Be Kind, Be You.

Those are my new rules to live by!

Those words reminded me that I'd like to visit LJB.  

I spent the day at his house installing Roku Express (honestly, a very frustrating experience) so he can watch movies in the living room instead of the office. JE was there for a while in the morning and took care of JLB's phone setup.

Although it was a long day and by the time I left at 6:30 pm I wanted to be home very much, I appreciated the opportunity to talk one on one to JLB. We talked about what happens after this life (JLB considers it his next great adventure - and he likes adventures...:) ) and how we're all connected (the hand analogy - He's on board with my ideas...:)).  

We also talked about our relationship. Lately, JLB has expressed regret that he broke up with me. I wanted him to know that he shouldn't regret it because we were together when we needed to be - I supported his condo purchase and bike riding, and he supported my reentry into Bellevue life.  

He said back then he thought he didn't have too many more years left and wanted to travel - which he did.  I didn't know he had that in mind - I always thought he'd live to be in his 80's. In fact, I'm still working on Plan 2049.  

I'm glad he took the opportunity to travel when he did.  He recognizes now that his body wasn't quite up to it, but who knows if his tumor would have been here whether he left or not.  

For JLB the restlessness has been the most difficult thing for him to reconcile in his life. It always frustrated him.  He would have been happy with another restless person, and he never found that.   

At home, I read another chapter, and I watched HBO's rerun of Carrie Fisher's "Wishful Drinking".

I fell asleep during the last third.  

I find I no longer care if I fall asleep during a show. About 1/2 the time I'll rewatch what I missed, but the other 1/2 I don't care much.  

First Day

Today is my sister's birthday.  She appreciates my fun side more than most, and that always surprises me.  We're not close, but I think - in a way - we are.  

Everyone is making plans for the New Year today. It made me think of my friend LJB who is fighting brain cancer.  Does he have a year?  Maybe so - it's happened before.  But, maybe not - it's what the doctors expect.  He just wants to live this day, week, month. I'm going to visit him today.  I'll get a better feel for how he feels then.  He's got the power.

I read a chapter from the book "Little Bee" by Chris Cleave last night.  It was a good chapter; the first chapter.  Here are two things I liked:

How I would love to be a British pound. A pound is free to travel to safety, and we are free to watch it go. This the human triumph.  This called, globalization.  A girl like me gets stopped at immigration, but a pound can leap the turnstiles, and dodge the tackles of those big men with their uniform caps, and jump straight into a waiting airport taxi.  Where to, sir?  Western Civilization, my good man, and make it snappy.

xxx 

Outside, the fresh air smelled of wet grass. It blew in my face. The smell made me panic. For two years I had smelled only bleach, and my nail varnish, and the other detainees' cigarettes. Nothing natural. Nothing like this. I felt that if I took one step forward, the earth itself would rise up and reject me. There was nothing natural about me now. I stood there in my heavy boots with my breasts strapped down, neither a woman nor a girl, a creature who had forgotten her language and learned yours, whose past had crumbled to dust.

 Have a great day!

Thank you 2016, Hello 2017!

2016

I started the year in Tigard working on the new software implementation. I was proud of myself for not falling apart from the stress. I stayed for two weeks – much longer than I like. 

For the next few months we must have been busy at work.  I was always feeling behind the 8 ball, but for the most part things were going well.

I started walking every morning with my neighbor and was proud of myself for sticking to it.

I spoke up at an HOA meeting and then joined the Building Committee.  

I started going back to a dentist.

In June, Robert died.

In July, my Mom had bypass surgery.

I took care of the cat for four months.

LJB’s brain tumor came back.

Donald Trump was elected President.

None of the difficult things happened to me.  Which is why, looking back, it wasn’t a difficult year as much as it was an emotionally draining year.  I’m lucky to have few responsibilities so the emotional energy required of me to be helpful was available and I could come back to my own home and get re-energized.

Still, I didn’t do as much as a really organized person who’s used to all this activity would have been able to do.  I did my best though.

So, the big thing of the year, after all the personal stuff, is the surprise win of Donald Trump.  Huh?  We elected Donald Trump?  Yeah, he won.

I remember walking with my neighbor at the beginning of the year assuring her he would not be elected.  Nope – never gonna happen.  Republicans are not my cup of tea, but even they wouldn’t vote for Donald Trump.

Hillary Clinton had 3 million more votes, but Donald Trump had the Electoral College.  Once again – screwed by the EC (2000).    

How could people vote for a person who doesn’t make logical sense? 

He exemplifies so many attributes I was taught are not good, healthy, loving.  I don’t get it.

So – at this point I don’t predict he’ll do well or do poorly.  I have no idea anymore. 

I have no idea.

The other surprise is that I discovered a few more deep down subconscious things I assume about the world that make me respond in a less than mature way; things I learned at an early age and have hung onto all these years. Can I think of them right now?  No.  But, I know I noticed.  And it was surprising.

2017

What’s next for me?

At work, I want to be the expert I’m paid to be.

At home, I want to spend my time more wisely.  I relish the fact that I can prioritize my laziness above everything, but there’s a point where it becomes a negative.  10 minutes a day and the kitchen is clean, for instance.  How many times have I had to get things done fast, so I did. Afterwards I wonder, if it took 10 minutes to get it done now, why didn’t I do it earlier?

Financially, I want to use up the things I have before I buy new. I’ll buy new clothes and food, of course.  But, hobby and entertainment?  Come on – I have plenty!  I’m not saying never, but more restraint, please.  I want to save money to pay for blinds, a plumber, remodeled bathroom, and new flooring.

For me – I want to be the watcher (Eckhart Tolle), I want to read, and write, and study.  I want to laugh and dance and have the energy to enjoy my friends and be a good family member.

I want to feel the rules of the world – not the rules of society, not the rules of Donald Trump Land, not the rules of my Mother.  I want to know the rules of the universe – there is a way of living in the flow of the universe – I want to know those rules. 

I think the universe rules are:  Be connected, Be creative, Be kind, and Be You. 

Westworld (HBO)

In the last few days I watched Westworld.  Or rather, I watched a lot of Westworld, including the finale.
I watched episodes one through five.  I really WANTED to watch episodes six, seven, eight, and nine but I was so tired.  I could barely keep my eyes open.  I told myself I'd be able to tell what's happening if I just close my eyes and listen to the dialog.  Famous last words.  Of course I fell asleep. And when I woke up, it was over. I figured I could watch the next episode and if didn't know what was going on, I'd go back and rewatch episode.  I did the same thing on the next episode, and then next, and the next.  Every time I watched something I had an idea what was happening so I didn't bother going back to pick up what I'd missed.
I paid attention to the final 20 minutes of the finale.
Afterward I read the recaps on New York Times and The New Yorker.
Good enough!

So, what did I think about Westworld?

1. The acting was FANTASTIC!  All around.  Stellar.  I don't know what more to say.
2. One aspect is the idea of memory and reality and what makes us who we are.  I wrote a post about that idea some time ago. It's very interesting (1/1/17 ETA: the idea is interesting, the post - honestly, I'd have to look for it and I can't be bothered, so I can only guess that the post wasn't that interesting...:) )
3. It was disturbing to see how much people enjoy killing.
4. Of course using the robots the way they did - again, very disturbing.
5. I didn't understand the whole maze thing.  I think either there was much more to it than I understood or there was much less to it than the plot implied.  I don't know, even after reading about it on NYT and New Yorker.
6. I was sad the Ellie character didn't survive (I assume, because that was confirmed after I fell asleep)
7. Maeve and Dolores and Teddy were my favorite characters and I believed the actors completely.  Ed Harris did a fantastic job, as did Anthony Hopkins. Bernard was perfect.

The first five episodes were compelling. I wish I could have stayed awake. 'Cause chances are I'm not going to watch the episodes again.  On the other hand, based on my Star Trek Into Darkness experience (I'll be writing about it when I write about Star Trek Beyond) watching again could completely change (enhance?) my opinion.

I'll be watching in Season Two.

Update 12/13/2016 - I saw these two youtube videos from NewRockstars.  Yeah - I missed way too much to have been able to have properly understood or appreciated the episodes!  Great explanations..:) I may watch the episodes again.

Westworld Ending Explained 

Westworld Timeline Explained

3% (Netflix)

I watched 3% on Netflix over the last weekend.  This is a Brazilian show that Netflix supported (?) and is now streaming.

Here are some reviews...The Telegraph, Nerdist, io9 Gizmodo, IndieWire, Motherboard

As noted in the reviews above, this isn't new territory on the face of it.  As the story continued to unfold, though, I found myself finding deeper levels and meaning.
After the 8th episode, they can go so many different ways.  I'll be curious to see how they handle it because there are three different areas of interest: Inland, the Process Center, and Offshore.
I should have written notes while I watched because I can't remember the ideas anymore...definitely religion, Ayn Rand, societal fairness, politics...on top of the regular thriller and sci-fi part.

The best thing about the show, for me, is that I was taken along on a familar but not traditional ride.  Oh - I can't think how to say I didn't feel like I knew what would happen at each turn. But it wasn't completely surprising.  It was very pleasant.

I listened to 3 of the 8 episodes in Brazilian Portuguese (with English subtitles).  But, I was too tired to read all of it, so I listened to the rest dubbed in English.  If you can, listen in the original language.  It was noticeably better.

I found myself thinking more about the show today - wondering what might happen next.
I hope we get additional episodes and seasons.

The Night Manager (AMC)

I've had The Night Manager on my DVR for months. Last weekend's rainy Saturday presented a perfect opportunity to settle in for this AMC spy thriller based on a John Le Carre novel. When it was on I avoided the reviews and commentary though I heard bits and pieces - mostly that it was a really good show.

It turns out I could tell the story was written in 1993, or at least not currently.
(I just realized 1993 is TWENTY-THREE years ago!!! Wow - the 90's were a different age.)

Anyway a few things seemed dated.
1) The bad guy's close associate is gay. No problem, but the way he was treated seemed like it was different than we'd see today.  Not sure I could put my finger on it.
2) The hero falls in love with both of the women. Ugh.
3) The bad guy's lifestyle seems a little Dallas or Dynasty.

This review on the AV Club echoes my sentiments.

The best part was the length - long enough to settle into, but not so long that it required a huge investment of time - just 3/4 of a Saturday.

The standout performance was Olivia Colman as the London spy who gets Jonathon Pine (Tom Hiddleston) involved.
Second best performance was Tom Hiddleston.

There was a whole section about Jonathon Pine creating a persona that would convince Richard Roper (the bad guy played by Hugh Laurie) that Pine is ruthless and undeniably evil.  Ruthless and evil wasn't even how Roper wanted to use Pine.  The Night Manger's best asset was his charm.  So, that whole section seemed useless and ridiculous.

Having read my share of spy novels back in the 80's and 90's, and a couple by John Le Carre, I assume there was more to the story in the book. He was probably learning to be cold as ice.  The way it was presented in the movie it just didn't work.
Tom Hiddleston was great as a charming Night Manager. The first episode of the show was excellent.  When Pine got into the Roper gang, that's where the show dragged down.

Still - it was good and I'm glad I watched it.
(I probably shouldn't have spent time writing about it though!)

Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life (Netflix)

Today I watched all four 90 minute episodes of Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life (Netflix).
For the record, I was a casual watcher of the series - I never rewatched any episodes.  I saw them as they aired and enjoyed them. I know I missed some of them at the time, but I was able to figure out what I missed well enough to move on.

This is not a recap, but I wouldn't read this if you haven't watched the episodes.

I'm sharing my thoughts, but I believe some thoughts will sound like (and maybe even BE) criticism.  To be clear, I enjoyed the show and would give it a thumbs up to other people like me. With that disclaimer, here are...

My thoughts:
1. Stars Hollow as a character: My recollection is that in the series Stars Hollow was unusual and dreamy, but it was on this side of believable. I thought, 'maybe there really are small towns where people participate and know each other and enjoy being together'.
For these four revival episodes, the Quirk Factor was turned up to 11. Everything from the amount of people walking around town to the number of people who participated in Taylor's meetings to the length of time we spent on the town musical. It was so over the top that I found it distracting and less dreamy; I don't wonder where that town is so I can imagine living there.
2. The past characters who came in and out were also distracting because it seemed forced. I can't even remember them at this point, it was just not an easy part of the story.  I suppose it was nice that we saw everyone (was anyone missed?) and I might have missed it had we not. Maybe there's no way to tell the 'where are they now' stories without it feeling forced. I don't recall those three Logan guy friends, even though after a moment, that hat on Rory seemed familiar.
3. I didn't think it was funny or interesting or charming or added anything to the plot of the show that Rory had a boyfriend the whole time - his name is Paul, not Pete and it wasn't hard for me to remember that and I've never even met him - who she never remembered. How cruel is that? Just plain rotten and I didn't like it at all and was somewhat offended. If Rory, or any of the family who don't remember Paul, were friends of mine I would have to take a step back.  That's a level of disregard I find disturbing.  Especially since Paul seemed like a generous, thoughtful, and kind person. And the way they made him end it with a text message - that was ridiculous as well since Paul, from what I could tell based on the one scene, would have been more considerate than breaking up with a text message.  That subplot was a mistake, I think.
4. Why did Rory and Lorelei bother going to the pool if all they wanted to do was mock and judge other people for how they look in a bathing suit.  Aren't I supposed to LIKE these characters?  I thought that deep down they were good people who wouldn't go out of their way to make fun of others.  Did any plot get moved forward during these scenes?  Was it only to show that it was summer? More time that I didn't appreciate.
5. I thought the length of each of the episodes was perfect.  Even the number of episodes (4 90 minute episodes) Six hours total is a good number.  I was able to watch it in 1/2 of a Saturday. Yeah, that was really good.  Although if this were a series, I'd want to see the next batch of six episodes in six months - not a whole year.  I didn't have the impression this particular show would be a series (???) but for other series 6 hours works for me.  Aren't a lot of the British series about 6 hours long?
6. Speaking of characters - it was good to see Kirk. I liked his shuttle service - not the OOOOOBER one so much, but the shuttle was good and that you booked a ride via his Mom. I forgot he shows movies as well.  Though, I felt his short film was another waste of time. I liked that he did one, but by today's standards it wasn't interesting. Yes, it's cute that it was amateurish, but nowadays even amateurs make better films than that. I would have preferred to see him do something really beautiful and we'd realize that was his calling all along. I liked the t-shirt that said A Film By Kirk.  And the movie was A Second Film by Kirk. Or something like that.
7. I wish Carole King had more of a part.
8. Too much time on the musical.  What for? It didn't do anything for me and didn't add to the story. Except that one final song that moved Lorelei.
9. Lane.  Lane and her Mother. Lane and her husband.  Lane and her husband and their band.  I wanted MORE.
10. Paris. Paris and Doyle. Paris in the business world. Paris as a mother. Doyle as her foil ( :) ). I wanted MORE.
11. Sookie.  Sookie and Jackson.  Sookie and Jackson and eating dirt.  I wanted MORE.

But what about the STORY?
I can go along with pretty much all of it. I thought the central story made perfect sense and I followed along with their actions and motivations..  It seemed correct based on the characters I remembered.

My mother's husband recently died and she's going through the same thing Emily Gilmore is going through.
My mother and I have a similar relationship that Emily and Lorelei have.
Finally, like Rory, in the last month or so I've been feeling particularly adrift and wondering how I can make my life feel more true to me - whoever that is. And I've been wondering why, after all these years, I don't know who I am or what I want when I've had the freedom and opportunity to discover the true me all these years. S

I love that Emily discovered her place and how she wants to live in the world without Richard Gilmore. I've always loved the Emily character. She's fierce and dedicated and organized and takes care of business. She adjusts on a dime and isn't afraid to try something new. Considering she's a bit of a stand-in for my own mother, I'm not sure why I almost always take her side in an argument and feel Lorelei shouldn't be so hard on her.  My mother would agree that I shouldn't be so hard on my mother!

I think Lorelei has finally found peace. I'm glad for her.
There's so much I don't understand about her, though.  And, again, considering I feel like I'm Lorelei in the Emily/Lorelei relationship and I don't understand myself, I guess it makes sense that I don't always understand Lorelei either.
I know she didn't want to marry Luke because it's what her mother does (so she says in the Summer or Fall episode, I believe).  And I understand why she's so secretive with her mother, but not with Luke.
Standing in front of that beautiful scene behind the coffee shop was just what she needed to call her Mom and go back to Luke.  I'm not sure exactly what it was - but I'm glad it happened.

And Rory.  She's got some more stuff to go through.  I thought everything in her story seemed believable and made sense to me, She didn't do the RIGHT thing quite often, but it made sense given who I know her to be. I wish she'd continued with The Gazette.  I guess I don't know that she won't.  She could make it a money making concern.  Being a newspaper editor seems more like something she'd like rather than writing the book.

I just had a thought.
Lorelei had a tough Mom and her Dad was emotionally absent most of the time. Her best memory of her Dad is when he took care of her after a boy humiliated her.
Rory had a 'cool' Mom and her Dad was physically absent most of the time.  She learned about feeling 'safe' from her first love.
And now, the full circle moment - Rory will have a child (presumably) who will also not have a strong male presence (I assume).

Gilmore Girls is about the women, but the absence of men informs (consciously and subconsciously) their lives and propels the story.
Rory was still making choices in her relationships that indicate a lack of understanding of her own sense of morals.
Lorelei was choosing to shield herself as best she can from the hurt she felt from her father's emotional absence in her life.

I think a girl gets her self-confidence and strong sense of 'self' from her father.  Mother's have their place as well, to be sure, but how a girl feels about herself in society comes, in good measure, from her father.

I'm not sure if that's a thought anyone else will have about the show, but it has meaning for me.

Bottom Line -
I cried a few times, laughed a few times, and I'm glad I watched Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life.

1001

I've decided to start writing in my blog again.  Coincidentally, it seems like a perfect time because based on what I see when I sign in to Blogger...

...this will be blog post 1001.
By the way, I suspect 22000 of those page views are me looking at my own blog!

Congratulations to me!

I'm not sure what to expect this time around.
I'm not even sure it will help.
As I'm writing (editing/rewriting) this post, attempting to explain what I hope to accomplish by writing on the blog this time around, I realize a big part of my desire is to write and wrestle with the raw feelings of anger and fear I feel, particularly after the election.

I want to stop being polite and start getting real.
Ironically, I want to be less 'politically correct'.

Many people who voted for Donald Trump liked that he spoke his mind.
I'd like to do the same.
I'd like to tell people they're stupid and mean and short-sighted and hypocritical and selfish and crazy and angry.

Unfortunately, I can't do that with impunity.

If I spoke my mind in such an emotional, negative way I'd feel ashamed of myself.
I'd be ashamed for losing control, for not making a constructive statement, for hurting people's feelings, for not being loving.  I would feel defensive after I'd done it and then that would make me even more angry.

I realize though, this blog, along with Twitter, is ALSO not the place for lashing out and expressing anger and frustration because it's going to be here forever.  I would still feel ashamed.

Two Things:
One
When I was a teenager and into my early 20's I wrote in notebooks all the time.  I had pencil or pen and paper and I let EVERYTHING out!  Each and every slight and phone call and thought.  After a few years I threw them all out because I didn't want to remember how 'human' I was - silly, pathetic, obsessive, naive, mewling, desperately seeking love and attention and approval.
I think I'm still that person, unfortunately.
The key here is that I was able to throw those notebooks out and nobody knows except me.
A blog won't give me that freedom from the past.
I can't freely explore those negative feelings in this forum without permanently imprinting it on my bio - which I don't want to do.

Two
Just like many of the angry Trump supporters, I feel angry that I can't say and do what I want to do without consequences, and I also feel like no one hears me. I want ME to be heard.
Is this blog the place to do that?
Only if I remain respectful and constructive.
I envision a time 500 years in the future when historians are searching through gazillion bits of data on the internet for a true look at life in the late 20th and early 21st century.  Okay - I get it, there are plenty of other people who have more interesting blogs than mine.  The historians will be satisfied by those and YouTube videos. So...
I envision a time 1000 years in the future when historians are searching through twenty gazillion bits of data on the internet for a life that hasn't yet been written about and examined - a life so small and insignificant that the other historians passed it by.  THAT'S when I'll gain notoriety...the last unexamined life!  And for that reason - my thoughts are VERY IMPORTANT!!!  HA!



Just like all those years ago when I would write my way to the correct answer in my notebooks, I believe I've found the correct answer here as well.
I WILL NOT use this blog to work out my emotional issues.
I WILL use this blog to post my public thoughts about things that I'm interested in.

I bet if I read through past blog posts I'd discover that I made this decision years ago as well.
That just goes to show you I have not grown one iota in the last several years!!!

This post is a little too 'working it out' drama, but because it's 1001, I'll let it go.

Have a wonderful day!!!

The State of Things

There are super bacteria in the water at Brazil's beaches, and Zika virus is still at play.
Sorry Brazil, I don't think we should have the Olympics this year.
The Olympics have lost their lustre in the last number of years - it doesn't mean as much as it used to.  We have lots of competition among countries and the emotional stories at the Olympics are more marketing ploy.

Many American diplomats signed a statement saying the US policy toward Syria is wrong.
Russia bombed American trained fighters in Syria.
That's a mess waiting to happen.

Orlando had a singer gunned down, an alligator killed a little boy, and The Pulse nighclub attack.  That was in one week.

The man who killed the people at The Pulse may have had some personal sexuality issues and used ISIS as a cover.  But, it's made the whole matter hard to pin down.  Bottom line, in my opinion is we need to ban assault weapons, and we need to do better with mental health issues.

Donald Trump is a messed up human being and I don't understand people who would vote for him.  His daughter puts on a pretty show, but she supports him.  It makes me mad, but I have no idea what it would be like to have him for a father and I guess in some ways you have to support your Dad.  But, if this is how you think the world works - you're not right.  Yet - it HAS worked for the Trump family.  So...  crazy world we live in! :)

Hello, again, 9/11

15 years ago this morning.

We've spent the last 14 anniversaries reviewing how we feel about that day.

The family's of those who lost their lives had a personal loss.

The people who survived have memories that must be painful and surprising, given their continued movement from one step to the next, from one day to the next, and from one anniversary to the next.

Maybe they find themselves alive in that moment 15 years ago and are surprised when they realize it's 15 years later and time has continued apace.

Our country has had painful 'conversation' about the difficult questions we had the luxury to avoid for years because of our geographic location in the world and our military might.  

The media describes it as a tragic day.  Horrifying.  We remember and will never forget.  Painful, 

But, we gained as well.

Family's gathered together and continued to love.  

The World Trade Center was rebuilt with art and architecture and beauty.

We've had conversations that bring us together

We had reasons to learn about our neighbors - both in the community, the country, and the world.

People have expressed their joys.

We heard about the heroism of many on that day and the days that followed.

In the end there is still love, there is still beauty, and there is still peace.  Those are the wonders of the world that live on.  

***

We haven't figured everything out yet - but that's the process.  We continue searching for the best way to live in this world.  How do we stay safe and free at the same time?  How do we protect ourselves and share our resources at the same time?  How do we settle arguments with military might and diplomacy at the same time?  How do we get along with other countries, other people, when we have different goals and different beliefs?

I don't think these questions can be answered until each individual in the world feels valued.  

Then, they'll feel less fearful of sharing and accepting and loving.  

When we can rejoice in each person's individual life journey, we will have peace.

***

I've mentioned the idea of being valued in a couple recent posts (recent being relative).  

I can't imagine a person who values their own life would easily take another's life.

That goes for criminals and terrorists and individuals.

If I were Hillary Clinton's speechwriter...

I'm imagining what I want Hillary Clinton to say that would capture the hearts of America.

Wouldn't it be lovely if she told everyone in the crowd how precious and unique each of them are?  And then I imagine her looking into the camera and telling everyone watching out there that they are special and unique also.  She would talk about what a miracle we all are and how courageous we are to be here.
I would have Hillary talk about how each of us, because of our uniqueness, is valuable; valuable to the world, to their family and friends, and valuable to the country.
The speech would then pivot a little to talk about how if I, Hillary, were the President I would value each of us equally.
The people in Flint, MI would be valued, the children in our schools would be valued, the young black men of the country would be valued, the police would be valued.
Each of these groups of people contribute to what makes this country great.  Each one of them brings something to the table.  And each of them should be valued.
I would work to make sure everyone has easy access to clean drinking water, an education that would teach people to think critically and uncover each of our unique gifts.  I'd make sure everyone felt that their safety and peace of mind is as important to me as my own.
Because everyone is valued, everyone will be respected.  We'll respect each other because that kind of attitude comes from the top and when we have a government run by people that respects everyone and values each of its citizens then it will create policy that shows that.
We won't have laws on our books that help people be dishonest, we'd care about people's food and safety.  If an industry is losing market share, we'll have programs that help people learn new skills.

Etc.

That's all I have the patience to think about right now.  But, that's what I'd want to see in a speech.  And then, I'd want it to really happen.

What a Wonderful World it would be...

Leftland and Rightland

From The New Yorker, July 11 and 18 issue, by George Saunders

"...Where is all this anger coming from? It’s viral, and Trump is Typhoid Mary. Intellectually and emotionally weakened by years of steadily degraded public discourse, we are now two separate ideological countries, LeftLand and RightLand, speaking different languages, the lines between us down. Not only do our two subcountries reason differently; they draw upon non-intersecting data sets and access entirely different mythological systems. You and I approach a castle. One of us has watched only “Monty Python and the Holy Grail,” the other only “Game of Thrones.” What is the meaning, to the collective “we,” of yon castle? We have no common basis from which to discuss it. You, the other knight, strike me as bafflingly ignorant, a little unmoored. In the old days, a liberal and a conservative (a “dove” and a “hawk,” say) got their data from one of three nightly news programs, a local paper, and a handful of national magazines, and were thus starting with the same basic facts (even if those facts were questionable, limited, or erroneous). Now each of us constructs a custom informational universe, wittingly (we choose to go to the sources that uphold our existing beliefs and thus flatter us) or unwittingly (our app algorithms do the driving for us). The data we get this way, pre-imprinted with spin and mythos, are intensely one-dimensional. (As a proud knight of LeftLand, I was interested to find that, in RightLand, Vince Foster has still been murdered, Dick Morris is a reliable source, kids are brainwashed “way to the left” by going to college, and Obama may yet be Muslim. I expect that my interviewees found some of my core beliefs equally jaw-dropping.)

A Trump supporter in Fountain Hills asks me, "If you're a liberal, do you believe in the government controlling everything?  Because that's what Barry wants to do, and what he's pretty much accomplished."  She then makes the (to me, irrational and irritating) claim that more people are on welfare under Obama than ever were under Bush.

"Almost fifty million people," her husband says.  "Up thirty per cent."

I make a certain sound I make when I disagree with something but have no facts at my disposal.  

Back at the hotel, I Google it.

Damn it, they're right.  Rightish.

What I find over the next hour or so, from a collection of Web sites, left, right, and fact-based:

Yes, true:  there are approximately seven million more americans in poverty now than when Obama was elected.  On the other hand, the economy under Obama has gained about seven times as many jobs as it did under Bush; even given the financial meltdown, the unemployment rate has dropped to just below the historical average.  But, yes:  the poverty rate is up by 1.6 percentage points since 2008.  Then again the number of Americans in poverty fell by nearly 1.2 million between 2012 and 2013.  However, true:  the proportion of people who depend on welfare for the majority of their income has increased (although it was also increasing under Bush).  And under Obama unemployment has dropped, G.D.P. growth has been "robust," and there have been close to seventy straight months of job growth.  But, O.K.: there has indeed been a "skyrocketing" in the number of Americans needing some form of means-tested federal aid, although Obama’s initiatives kept some six million people out of poverty in 2009, including more than two million children.

So the couple's assertion was true but not complexly true.  It was a nice hammer with which to pop the enemy; i.e., me.  Its intent: discredit Obama and the liberal mind-set.  
What was my intent as I Googled?  Get a hammer of my own, discredit Bush and the conservative mindset.  

Meanwhile, there sat reality: huge, ambiguous, too complicated to be usefully assessed by our prevailing mutual ambition—to fight and win, via delivery of the partisan zinger.

LeftLand and RightLand are housemates who are no longer on speaking terms.  And then the house is set on fire.  By Donald Trump.  Good people from both subnations gape at one another through the smoke."

Six Words

From Oprah:

A 'mistake' becomes 'experience' when shared - Angela Featherstone

Never keep a compliment to yourself - Samantha Hammer Kadrmas

At a pity party, one drink maximum - Tricia Janosy

Truth doesn't rely on being believed - Dina Hillier

Change the world by being yourself - Amy Poehler, Smart Girls

Pretend impossibilities are possible.  They are. Sandi Hemmerlein

It's hard to hate up close - Kareem Moreland

Smile at old people eating alone - Sally Friedman

Okay - Here's where I went wrong...

I have always known my dental life choices have been bad.  But, I couldn't quite picture how this would end.
Now I'm getting it.
After a five year absence I've gone back to a dentist because I have pain.
Unfortunately, because I always wait to go to the dentist, my cavities are so big that I either have a huge crown, filling, or root canal that has taken away most of the tooth.  As a result, the next level is either an implant or dentures, neither of which sounds good.
If I had it to do over again, I'd get the cavities dealt with when they were small.  Then, even if I had a lot of cavities, I would have enough tooth left so they could still resolve the issue with fillings.

If I DID have the opportunity to go back in time, though, I imagine I would probably make the same choices because I still get nervous about new environments and I'm lazy about making appointments.

So, the only way I can learn from this (and be ready to change the past if I ever get the chance!) is to face my fear and take "adult" responsibility for my own health and well being.

I'm happy...given the limits I've placed on my life

What if I stopped placing limits?  How happy would I really be?